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• Publisher - EG 24 NEWS

Directed by Kitty Green
genres Drama
87minutes
USA
A searing look at a day in the life of an assistant to a powerful executive. As Jane follows her daily routine, she grows increasingly aware of the insidious abuse that threatens every aspect of her position
writer Kitty Green
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The assistants. I still like her character in maniac. The assistant showtimes. This is not a horror story about a single event, more a series of underhanded moves performed by a particularly problematic player. So this player is, OOC, an alright guy. Sure he likes the prequel movies and unironically thinks The Last Jedi was a good film, but other than that he’s pretty cool. He’s also the one who first got me into dnd and in-game he’s a perfectly functional if slightly unengaged player. But my god, his characters. He has a habit, this man, of making his characters as game-breaking and overpowered as possible. And the worst part is he doesn’t do this through traditional methods, ie studying the game like a science until you can break it like a Kobold’s spine. I mean he just flat out cheats. One of our first proper campaigns in our group was run by me, and he shows up with a Goliath barbarian holding a mysterious black bag that he refuses to explain the contents of. Not even I had any idea what was in it. A huge red flag as I am now aware, but at the time I thought nothing of it. This was my first campaign as a DM and I didn’t notice the signs. Poor me. Everything is fine until about two sessions in. The party is on a ship that gets boarded by pirates during a storm. They have to fight the pirates off while the ship tosses and turns and the rain threatens to throw the characters off the deck. Nice if slightly unoriginal if I do say so myself. The rest of the party gets stuck in: the wizard casts magic missile on some pirates attacking the captain, the battle master fighter runs to assist the struggling allied guards and the rogue single-handedly fends off the reinforcements. Then it comes to the Problem Players turn, and this is what he says. “I point at the deck of their ship, and a cat leaps out of my bag. It jumps off the deck of our ship and in midair turns into a massive boulder. It smashes into the deck of their ship and sinks it. ” Dead silence from the table. I blink and ask him to, in the nicest possible way, explain what the buttered fuckcrumpets he was talking about. “I tell my Mimic to turn into a boulder and sink the enemy ship. ” “You... don’t have a Mimic. ” “Yes I do, it’s in the bag. I didn’t tell you because I wanted it to be a surprise. ” I was in shock. Another member of the party, who was an experienced DM, looked at me like Monty Burns looks at his hounds. He was waiting for me to tear PP a new one, I could tell. And ladies and gentlemen, what did I say? “Okay. Ship sinks. New round, wizard what’s your action? ” I was new, guys. I’m better than that now. We kind of ignored it and moved on, though I caught the experienced player staring daggers at me the whole rest of the night. In hindsight I now know why and totally understand, in fact if I’d been there today Id’ve been doing it right along with him. For the next few weeks the Problem Player relied heavily on the Mimic, right up until that campaign ended not long after. And that was the end. Or it would be. But like JonTron himself once said... it doesn’t end there. Within a week he was back at it. The next few incidents were small things, him giving himself homebrew items or abilities that he relied incessantly upon and which tended to break the game, but they were relatively minor things that didn’t compare to what happened next. So we’re playing Storm King’s Thunder and I’m the DM again. The party get to a pretty pivotal fight between a doppelganger impersonating a dwarven king and his assassin bodyguards. The Problem Player is playing a Warforged and was remarkably cagey about his backstory. His character gets duffed up pretty bad but the fight is almost over. I’m starting to think I may just be able to salvage this (I hate killing player characters) but then he says something that makes my blood run cold. “Oh damn you guys I might not survive this. Well, I’m going to get out of my mech suit and fight on foot. ” Trademark dead silence as he proceeds to take out of his bag a SECOND CHARACTER SHEET, complete with completely different abilities, class levels and health. He essentially switched characters right in the heat of battle to one that had more health. Turns out he was actually playing a Gnome that was driving a mech suit. Now, this actually sounds to me like an awesome idea and I would’ve been happy to let it go, though probably with some serious debuffs to the gnome. PROVIDED HE HAD EXPRESSED THE IDEA TO ME BEFOREHAND. But no. He had tried to slip it past me for the same reason he’d tried to slip the Mimic past me. Because he knew I would’ve disallowed it or at least seriously penalised it, and he wasn’t willing to sacrifice even a portion of his utterly broken build. From here it only got worse. He made a gunslinger character for a Waterdeep game I ran, complete with several guns and ammo to burn. When I told him to take them out since I hate guns in fantasy games on principle, he argued with me and demanded I let him keep them. For a game that another friend ran he had his character carry around these kegs of homebrew liquor that would instantly incapacitate anyone who drank it unless they made a very high DC saving throw (20 to avoid intoxication, 15 to stay conscious but have Disadvantage on all rolls for 24 hours). Then he’d just rp every monster into drinking it (the DM was something of a pushover and didn’t want to upset him) and win basically every fight without trying. The most recent really egregious example of this was recently. Back when aforementioned pushover dm was preparing that campaign, he mentioned off-handedly to me one day that he had to download the UA and read about a class that PP wanted to play. My friends the alarm bells that went off in my head were louder than the bells of Jerusalem. I demanded to see the class he wanted to play. It was a barbarian subclass that was the most unbelievably OP thing I have ever seen in official rules. Not since the ad&d Cavalier have I seen Unearthed Arcana so perfectly meet their reputation. This subclass was a monster: they could cast spells almost as good as any cleric, cast a spell and attack on the same turn, had a bunch of combat abilities and my personal favourite, an ability that let them touch a person (including themself) and cause them to instantly regain a spell slot of up to 4th level. The limit? None. The cost? A minuscule amount of damage that the smallest health potion would render negligible. But it got worse. Problem Player wanted his barbarian to roll on the Wild Magic table every time his character attacked, cast a spell or used an item. And he didn’t want to use the one in the rules, oh no siree no. He wanted to HOMEBREW HIS OWN ONE. And pushover DM, being a relative newbie, almost fell into the same trap I had during my early days. I would not have it. I went to town. It was like the scene in every coming-of-age story where the bullied kid finally stands up for himself. For five minutes I waded into battle, explaining to the DM just what PP wanted, exactly why he was doing what he was doing and precisely what he hoped to gain from it. I explained all the rules he was breaking and why they were there, and I listed in great detail his reputation and the amount of times he’d done this before. And by the end, man. I felt awesome. That’s most of his ‘incidents’ so far, the only thing I’ve neglected to mention are his stats. Every character he plays without fail has at least one 18, and several 16s or 17s. I don’t mention them though because I can’t prove he’s fudging rolls and he vehemently denies it when confronted. Most people would say he’s just an asshole player, but I disagree. For that to be the case there has to be actual malice behind the decision and I don’t get that feel from him. He isn’t a bad person, or a bad player. He just really really wants to play memorable, unique characters. But because he doesn’t engage in role play or characterisation he has to do it by cheating at the rules. His faults at being a DM, though, are much harder to excuse. But we’ll get to those in another post if you guys would like to hear it. EDIT: Part 2 is now up! You can check it out here: EDIT II: It has come to my attention from some very vocal commenters that certain members of the Star Wars community are completely unable to take a joke. In light of this I will not be changing my post in any way, I won’t be held responsible for your lack of humour. EDIT III: In my second violent twat fumigation effort of this post, I will now explain to all the sneering tosspots condescendingly insulting my skills as a DM that NOBODY is a perfect DM in their forth session ever playing the game. I wasn’t, you weren’t, stop masturbating where we can see you.

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The assistant novel. They sure know how to keep the masses dumbed down. it's astounding that people actually believe that they're living. The assistant quest id. Hollywood knows in advance... This will be extremely long. I (27F) have known my best friend H (27M) since I've been 8. I grew up with him. Same school, same friends, same college. We live 5 minutes away from each other. I've always thought of him as a brother. As a matter of fact, all of our friends also viewed us as siblings for all intents and purposes. We have another friend, N (27F) whom we've known for 18 years. H and N are childhood sweethearts. A lovestory made for the movies. Always together, shy glances, understanding each other silences. It was a fairytale. Unfortunately, they broke up when they turned 18. H carries a lot of abandonment issues because his father was not great and divorced his mom when he was 4 and also because they had to depend on their relatives while he grew up for financial assistance. So he's always had a lot of issues and some of them came into play and they broke up. N started dating another guy for the next 3 years but came back after that to H. They got back together again. I need to tell you that I come from a conservative country that's still trying to find its legs in the modern world and we are pretty traditional all things considered. Girls usually get married by the time they turn 24-25. N's father was not keeping well and she wanted to get married to H before he passed away. H, because of his issues, refused because he didn't think he was financially all that capable of taking care of her and also because he thinks he has nothing to offer her because he has a broken family. He told her that he can't promise her anything right now. N asked if she should wait. H said that he can't ask her to keep her life on hold for him because that wouldn't be right. N then decided to get married to her ex boyfriend. H was devastated, ofcourse. This was when i was there for him. I was always his constant in all this drama, and he in my life. We've always been there for each other, grounding each other. I gave him a shoulder to crry on. Met him daily. Talked about his feelings. Tried to cheer him up. And in all this, we kissed. It was weird, almost taboo. Because i thought of him as a brother. And we tried to fight it. But it felt right. Maybe for him it was a rebound. I don't know. This happened in 2017. And we kept carrying on and off for all this while. Now we did everything that was possible except have sex. I don't know why we never went there but we just didn't. In Jan 2019 last year, N came back. She wasn't happy with her husband, said she made a mistake, that she didn't love him. She reconnected with H. H and I, we never were in a relationship. For us, there were no promises or anything. We were friends first and foremost and that is what we wanted to be our entire lives. We thought this thing would probably work itself out of our system in some time. But even after that, we talked daily. Texted all the time. Met 3-4 times a week. So i fell for him. And when N came back and they reconnected, I became possesive. I asked H if they were in contact and he lied. He lied everytime and i found out the truth everytime. I still kept on giving him chance after chance. But i got severe trust issues. I probably should have left then but that meant having to end not only our relationship but 20 years of friendship and i didn't have the strength to do that. I kept spiralling and checked his phone and he would delete most of his messages but forget to delete call logs and we'd have a fight about that. He kept on lying and lying and my behaviour kept on getting more unhealthy and toxic. In September last year, he asked for a break. I freaked out. I was already getting bad panic attacks and anxiety at the thought of losing him and i couldnt take the idea that he'd leave. So i chased after him. I told him to please give us another chance, just the friendship. That i dont remember a time in my life when he wasn't there and i dont know how is survive without him. I chased him for 4 months. Called him and begged him and cried and shouted. Nothing wworked. I finally gave up on 31 December. During this while, if i somehow found a way to not contact him for 8-10 days, he would text me himself to ask how i was doing and that moved me back to square one and i started chasing him again. It became a vicious cycle. During Valentine's, I somehow stopped myself with great difficulty to text him. But he texted me in the evening saying happy valentine's with a heart emoticon. On 15 and 16 Feb, we went to a mutual friends wedding. N was there as well. And i dont know what trip of self destruction i was on, but for the first time in 3 years, i had sex with him that weekend. My first time. I was a virgin. After it was done, i went to the washroom. When i came out, he wasn't there. I looked for him in other rooms where 4-7 of my friends were lazing about. He was on a bed beside N holding her hand. He'd just fucked me not 5 minutes back and here he was on the bed with her holding her hand. I lost it. Complete nervous breakdown. I shouted at him and then our friends came to know that we were sleeping together. No one had any idea for 3 years. We had promised each other we won't tell anyone, that we'd take it to our graves and i broke his trust. I shouldn't have. People didn't understand. Because we've been saying we were like siblings for 2 decades. For them, it was almost incestuous. H told me that this was the grave of our friendship. That we were over, never to be spoken in the same sentence again. That I'm a bitch, that my depression was an act for sympathy, that I enjoy being unhappy in life and just make everyone around me miserable. I felt horribly guilty. I did t know what to do. I went after him and kept apologising, saying that i fucked up. He got physically aggresive then. Started pushing me very badly because i didnt give him the personal space that he asked for. I probably should have. I called and texted him for a week after that. I think I'm suicidal. I told him that as well. Told him not to do this to me, not to abandon me. He said he can't help me, that he's sorry but he is going to look after his peace and he's done with me. That he doesnt regret losing me and will never. That he had sex with me under coercion. It was forceful. And during this while, i came to know H and N have downloaded Viber and are talking there secretly as none of our friends are on that app and they're also video chatting each other all the time. I'm losing my mind. I think I will either get committed to an institution or do something to myself. I don't know how things got so bad, how he hates me so much. When at one time i was all the peace he looked for. I wake up and my heart rate is off the roofs. I break down in public places. I cant meet my friends because H is always there with N and they're even more cosy now. And when i see them, i break down even more. I don't know what to do. I'm so fucking lost. I have no hope of things ever getting better with him and I've never imagined my life without him. I don't know how to go about living anymore. Please help.

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